sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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