She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
