I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
