so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
