it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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