Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
