I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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