saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
