the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
