I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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