oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
