you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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