connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Dignity is for republicans.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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