So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
