You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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