Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
