Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Dick very happy bro
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
