Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
