the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
