You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize