life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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