i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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