Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
