I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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