DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
