nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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