There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
