I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
