When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
