I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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