I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Bring me that man meat
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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