I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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