Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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