Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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