I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
