I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
