do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
