Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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