I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize