Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
