I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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