i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I skipped work to stalk him.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
