Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Will exercising make me less horny?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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