I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
