What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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