Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
