after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
