Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
