i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
What a dumb baby whore.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
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