I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize