theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
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