Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
