Will you blow on my dice?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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