I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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