Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
