dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
