Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
