I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize