I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
She bit a glass in half.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
