I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize