Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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