He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
