omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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