my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Randomize
