the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Randomize
