I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
