Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
