Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
