I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
