I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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