We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
pop tarts are not kleenex
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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