I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Just puked most of my soul out..
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
