I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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