I showed him my bush... on skype.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
