Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Randomize
